Time to revive this thread!

Three tortoises, Jim, Ray & Geoff go for a picnic ten miles from where they live. It takes them ten days to get there. When they arrive, they find they've fogotten the bottle opener. Jim & Ray ask Geoff to go back and get it. Geoff says "piss off, by the time I get back you'd have eaten all the sandwiches". Jim & Ray promise not to eat the sandwiches, so Geoff agrees to go back.
Ten days pass, and there's no sign of Geoff. Twenty days pass and he still hasn't returned. Jim & ray are starving, but keep their promise not to eat the sandwiches.
Twenty five days have passed, still no sign of Geoff, so they say "sod it, we're gonna starve if we don't eat something". They start to eat, and Geoff jumps from behind a rock and shouts "I fucking knew it, you bastards, I'm not going now!"

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?

An egg.

I'll make my own way out, hopefully avoiding any incoming improvised projectiles.

If they are all of that quality, I want to hear another!!

Two monkeys are in a bath. One goes "Ooh-ah-ah-ah!". The other one says "Try putting some cold in."

*BA-DUM-TSSS*

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All will kneel before the power of Comalies!

Normally I'm not into jokes, but this one made me laugh:

Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'

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Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new - Einstein

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