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 Post Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 4:13 pm 
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Coiler
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Joined: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:00 am
Posts: 42
What if I turn myself into blurry memories?
Broken crystals melt forming an image of you
The air is heavy, the sound of your breathing drowns me
Your voice does that my thoughts dance to the rhythm of your warmth.

Will I ever erase the ilussion of your face?
You are a forsaken ghost, lost in my mind. Stop tormenting me!
Take my wishes, dreams, and hopes; destroy them with your bare hands
Don´t leave so even a part of me in this world, take it all.

Why don´t you let me go?
You still disintegrating me with your indifference
But when I move away from you, You come and appropriate of my soul
Once again I´m turned into your slave...

P.S: English it´s not my natural language, so please forgive me if I wrote something wrong or if I had a bad syntax. I did my best. 0:)

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 Post Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:01 pm 
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Lacunaz Expert
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Joined: Sun Sep 19, 2004 4:00 am
Posts: 5531
Location: Celldwellering !!!!!
ZaMb0oK4 wrote:
What if I turn myself into blurry memories?
Broken crystals melt forming an image of you
The air is heavy, the sound of your breathing drowns me
Your voice does that my thoughts dance to the rhythm of your warmth.

Will I ever erase the ilussion of your face?
You are a forsaken ghost, lost in my mind. Stop tormenting me!
Take my wishes, dreams, and hopes; destroy them with your bare hands
Don´t leave so even a part of me in this world, take it all.

Why don´t you let me go?
You still disintegrating me with your indifference
But when I move away from you, You come and appropriate of my soul
Once again I´m turned into your slave...

P.S: English it´s not my natural language, so please forgive me if I wrote something wrong or if I had a bad syntax. I did my best. 0:)


the very fact that you had a go a wording it in english is enough and from what I read, I like 8)

slight rewording (new wording in green):

Your voice does that my thoughts dance to the rhythm of your warmth.
Your voice plays with my thoughts, dancing to the rhythm of your warmth.


Don´t leave so even a part of me in this world, take it all.
Don´t leave a part of me in this forsaken world, take it all.


But when I move away from you, You come and appropriate of my soul
But when I move away from you, You come and reshape my soul

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 Post Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 4:34 pm 
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Coiler
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Joined: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:00 am
Posts: 42
Thx!!! My english is really bad for poetry (just poetry? for almost everything!!!). But anyone who wants to participate adding their work (not only see my bad syntax), is invited. Nice changes! :)

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